Keep Your 3D TV, I Don’t Want It

Well it’s finally here. I didn’t want to believe it, but now I don’t have a choice. I’m still not sure how to feel about it, since I know that in the future everything will probably be like this, yet a part of me wants to bury my head in the sand and say, “No!” That’s not going to happen though. Instead, I’ll have to sit my ass down on the couch, turn on my television, and watch everything in 3D. Thanks a lot, guys.

What at first looked like a fad that might fade away like the Furbee, or perhaps disco, is now taking hold and embedding its claws into our society. Last week DIRECTV and Panasonic announced that they would be bringing the nation its first set of 3D channels, not the least of which is n3Dâ„¢, a channel dedicated exclusively to 3D programming. While the majority of the shows being offered right now are sporting events and IMAX presentations, it’s only a matter of time before you turn on the nightly news to see oil spills, and maybe even the war in Afghanistan, in 3D.

Of course, you’ll need one of those newfangled 3D TVs to view these channels, so as for right now you still have a choice. How long before every set coming off the production line is 3D though? Five years? Ten years? I don’t know, but it will happen. Just like every movie coming out of Hollywood these days seems to be in 3D, your home theater experience will be the same way. Eventually. There will even come a time when you don’t need glasses to view it. Using technology that is beyond my understanding for now, these guys will make your eyes adjust to 3D, probably to the point that when you turn it off, you’ll be bumping into the coffee table on your way to the bathroom because your vision is all screwed up. Isn’t that wonderful?

These companies can mask it all they want, claiming that it’s a huge advancement in the evolution of television, but I say it’s nothing but an eyesore. I mean, what’s next? Holographic 3D TVs? Probably. Imagine sitting on your couch and experiencing a movie happening all around you? It may sound cool, but in the long run that stuff has got to mess with your depth perception in some way. Doesn’t it? I’m no optometrist, but I’d be interested in hearing what one of them has to say. Hell, I even hear that 3D billboards are going to be coming into play soon. That’s great. I can’t wait to be driving down the street only to look up and see a tube of Crest coming at me. Death by toothpaste. What a way to go.

I’m probably being more dramatic than I need to be here, but I honestly can’t see the point of 3D. Can you? What’s so wrong with watching movies and television the way they are now? 3D gives me headaches, makes my eyes feel all wonky, and most of all, it makes me not want to go to the movies. Why, oh why, then, would I want it in my home? To put it into words they can understand, my answer goes something like this: Panasonic, DIRECTV, you can keep your stupid 3D, I don’t want it.